Haripur, Himachal Pradesh, India, Sunday May 28th 2017.
During my morning meditation today, thoughts from the past came to my mind (I know, surprising, right?!!). Instead of pushing them away I let them in and felt them for a moment. The thoughts were about my ex, The ex. Within seconds I was filled with so much sadness, tears came to my eyes. I let them out, run down my cheeks and drop on my mat which sounded so loud. I don’t know why it happenned, why I suddenly thought of that and how it instantly made me so sad. Now that I am thinking of it, it may have been exactly 7 years ago that it all blasted out. These were undoubtably the worst months of my life and only recently I fully understood how deep it had affected me and why. He abandonned me. It may sound childish to call it that way for some people as I was not a poor kitten left alone in the street by my heartless owner but I was a loving woman left by the man she had projected all her life with. He abandonned the ship of our relationship, the home we had dreamt and made and the business we had built together. I thought that year would bring a baby into our lives, it brought a painful separation. I had to search and dig hard on him for explanations which came at the very end when I realized the extent of the life he had built with another woman on the side, on another continent. I felt like the sky was falling on my head, literally. The heaviness in my heart and my soul was unbearable but I stood up like the strong woman I am and thought this was not going to make me fall to the ground. I was heart broken, it felt so raw and didn’t know how I will love and trust again.
So this morning, I remembered my intention when 3 weeks ago on my last day in Rishikesh in North India, I took some time alone to seat by the Ganga side and write my ex an email. We haven’t been in touch for a very long time, our lives have completely parted back then so this was a big deal. It took me that long to fully go inside and feel the pain one last time to forgive him and actually tell him I do. It took me seven years but finally, this was IT. If I truly wanted to make my heart open as wide as possible for what is new, I have to make space and that couldn’t be done without forgiving him. Forgiveness is such a tough job, it is a job, really. We think we forgive but then if we look inside, we realize the forgiveness is not genuine, that there is still bitterness and anger. Then the ego and the questions come in: Why should I forgive him? Doesn’t that make what he did seem acceptable? Does it even matter now? Yes it DOES matter and NO it DOESN’T mean I agree with what he did. It means I let go, clean up and move on, FULLY.
After I cried this morning during meditation, I felt so light and happy and was stunned by how those strong feelings came and went so quickly.
Now, seven years later, I am living the happiest months of my life. I feel in tune, content, loved, and I cherish every minute of this life and time with my man. This beautiful soul had these magical words: “Don’t worry, I am not going anywhere”. That’s what I needed to hear, he was truly meaning it and I felt it deep down in my heart.
I only recently understood that I left him 2 years ago because of the fear I had this would happen again, it was too complicated and he would abandon me somehow, like the previous one. But this time, I am also not going anywhere. I am here, I am now, I am not afraid, I am love.